Mind The Gap

Flushing the Tottenham toilet

So were you the eternal Scum bashing optimist this season or did the Lilleywhite bogie men keep you awake at nights? Did the monsters lurk in all the darkest shadows down every Lane? Could you hear the twitching behind the skirting boards? Are the dreaded Coys the sort of creatures your mum frightened you with when reading from Grimms Fairytales? Have you wasted an entire season bricking it because you feared Uncle Arry was going to take away your St Totteringham's Day for once? Or did you believe in The Arsenal like you should have done? Were you a lion or did you impersonate larry the lamb.

Believe it or not there are some Gooners who've spent their entire season not backing the mighty Arsenal. Instead they've spent it panicking as to whether or not a bunch of no-hopers from the wrong end of Seven Sisters Road might win the league, might go further than us in Europe, might win the Europa Cup, might win the FA Cup, might finish higher in the league than us, might gain a Champions League place. It seems these Gooners are not actually that bothered about our relative status differential with the Tiny Totts. Instead they are more concerned that strangers wearing clothes that include the logo of chicken on a beachball would take the piss. The fear of piss taking is for wimps not football supporters. These fans have of course done their level best to induce a self-stimulated heart attack and panicked endlessly and relentlessly about absolutely nothing. They have done their own brains in on a pointless piece of miscalculated probability theory. They have ranted away all fecking season about the Totts might do this or that entirely forgetting reality's actual probability theory, The Laws of Lasagne and the Scum's very own built in implosion clause. But it must happen one day they say. True, and the sun might not come up tommorrow, there's always that chance.

And so what did all this Tottenham paranoia actually achieve other than unwanted palpitations and a few nerve rashes. Nothing. Absolutely jack shit. Why would anyone worry for an entire season about the Totts. Yes indeed they were ten points clear but it was a temporary measure induced by delusions of grandeur. Right now Arry is twitching more than ever, their fan is worried shitless that Bale and or Modric will bugger off during the summer. Their two faced posturing over Adethewhore will inevitably result in the disappearance of a subsidised loan from Citeh worth about £5 million per annum plus a good few goals. Their aging squad still needs replacing. Their crocks are in just as bad a state as ours but Wilshere has loads of seasons left and is world class, whereas King doesn't and isn't. The points difference was only very marginal but they should MIND THE GAP because it is in fact a chasm.

They haven't even thought about starting their stadium, they don't have a masterplan because their Club is up for sale. The Tottenham board are all talk and no action. Their potential new toilet facility has not been flushed with sucess thus far - in fact they haven't even started to knock down the old kharzi as yet. Mind you I'm sure I could rustle up some volunteers if they can't afford to demolish it themselves.

The Tottenham media were out in force for a while. Gary Linaeker got very excited for a couple of weeks, the rotund turd that is Garth Crooks was dusted down and wheeled out. Even the normally sane Henry Winter was silly enough to publish a piece earlier this season where he claimed only one Arsenal player would make the Totts team. I still find it hard to believe that Henry was serious and still await his abject grovelling apology with baited breath.

So now its all over I assume you can see there was never any need to fret was there? Fear ye not you brown trouser Gooners for it is written that white is not the colour and never will be ever again. See Chapman from the Holy Book Chapter 30 verses 19-71. In fact the only teams playing in white ever to to win the League were Leeds (who last won it 20 years ago), Derby (last won it 37 years ago), The Tiny Totts themselves ('61 never again) and Preston (122 years ago). You're more likely to see Halley's comet than Tottenham win the league again. Halley's comet is next due in 2061, a significant 100th anniversary for some.

Obviously all those who watched Arsenal thrash WBA at the Hawthorns will know that today's result was inevitable and never in doubt. Perhaps it was just a tad cruel to gift Roy's team the lead in order to wind up the entire crowd at WHL but they should know better...just how many times have we done that to them?

Right then, I'm off to buy a souvenir of the 2011-12 season....any ideas?

 
Brian @Gooner48